Wired for Connection: How Children Learn Through Example

Children Learn More What We Show Than Instruction

What drives a prisoner to prefer every other form of punishment over solitary confinement? And what is that pain we feel inside when we think about a long-lost love? A subtle but transformative principle, which begins to answer to these questions, is found in The Whole-Brain Child which claims that children learn most profoundly not from what we say, but from what we model. To quote the authors:

Mimicry of Movement and Habits

The most basic example is a child mimicking a parent's movements, gestures, and even speech patterns. From toddlers copying how a parent uses a phone or stirs a pot, to older children adopting their parents' posture or tone of voice during conversations, this is observational learning in action.

If a parent consistently practices active listening, uses polite language, or demonstrates patience, their children are more likely to internalize and reproduce these behaviours, directly shaping their social and emotional skills.

Learning Emotional Regulation (or lack thereof)

If parents consistently respond to frustration with yelling, anger, or aggressive outbursts, children observe and internalize these "downstairs brain" reactions. Their own developing neural pathways learn that this is how one copes with difficult emotions.

Conversely, if a parent models healthy coping mechanisms—like taking deep breaths, verbalizing their frustration calmly, or taking a break—the child's brain is being trained to develop more integrated, "upstairs brain" responses to stress.

Perpetuation of Prejudice and Bias

This is a powerful and concerning example of modelling, often involving the transmission of implicit biases. Children are not born prejudiced; rather, they learn it from their environment, primarily from the adults around them.

If parents express biased opinions, make derogatory remarks about certain groups, or even exhibit subtle non-verbal cues (e.g., discomfort around people of a different race, gender, or religion), children absorb these attitudes. Their developing brains, highly attuned to social cues, form implicit associations and categorizations based on these observed behaviours.

Even if prejudice is not explicitly taught, the constant exposure to a biased environment can "taint" a child's perception, shaping their "upstairs brain" to accept and perpetuate discriminatory views, leading to social divisions and conflict across generations. This demonstrates how deeply ingrained values, for better or worse, are transmitted through observed behaviour.

Soul Connections and the Deep Need to Be Felt

Daniel Siegel's concept of "attunement"—the profound human capacity to deeply connect and make another person "feel felt"—touches upon a dimension of human experience that often seems to defy purely scientific explanation. I resonate with this, preferring to term it soul connections, a level of communication and bond that transcends measurement or categorization.

This "attunement" or "soul connection" isn't merely a psychological phenomenon; I believe it’s the fundamental force driving us to be communal creatures. We don't simply seek communities for practical reasons like jobs, schools, or amenities, but because our very essence craves this profound relational integration. Basically, we want to be around other people.

The authors of "The Whole-Brain Child" reinforce this by stating:

This highlights that our brains are inherently wired for connection, making belonging not just a preference, but a biological imperative.

When Isolation Becomes Torture

Consider the harrowing reality of solitary confinement presented in the introduction of this article. Why does prolonged isolation, sometimes even for just a month or two, drive individuals to madness? Why is it considered worse than physical punishment?

It's because the deprivation of "attunement" or the “soul connection”—the absence of human connection, of being "felt" by another—strikes at the core of our being, leading to profound psychological deterioration. The human soul, starved of this essential nutrient, can unravel.

Sensing the Invisible: The Energy Between Us

Similarly, how is a person able to walk into a room and instantly sense "bad vibes," a palpable tension that can be "cut with a knife," even if the cause transpired long before their arrival. This isn't just picking up on visual cues; it's an intuitive resonance with the collective emotional field, a subconscious attunement to the energies present, suggesting a connection far beyond our five senses.

When One Soul Can’t Live Without Another

And what of couples who, after half a century of marriage, sometimes die within weeks of each other, even when the remaining spouse had a clean bill of health? While medical explanations like "broken heart syndrome" attempt to frame this phenomenon, it's difficult to deny the deep, unmeasurable bond that makes one soul unable to thrive without its lifelong companion.

These instances, I believe, point to the undeniable truth that our connection to others is not just a social nicety, but a vital aspect of our existence, tapping into a spiritual dimension of our inter-connectedness.

Call To Action

Stay tuned for tomorrow’s article, where we continue unpacking insights from The Whole-Brain Child—this time exploring how implicit memories silently shape our behaviours, relationships, and even parenting styles. If this piece resonated with you, share it with someone raising or influencing the next generation. Let’s model better, together.